transitions

Change is a measure of time and, in the autumn, time seems speeded up. What was is not and never again will be; what is is change.
- Edwin Way Teale

That is certainly how I've been feeling lately-- that life is full of change. The past few weeks I've been watching the trees on the mountain near our house change from summer green to subtle shades of yellow and orange and red. I love seeing the colors of autumn, but I have to admit that it's probably my least favorite season. There's something about the fading away of vibrant summer life that makes me sad, although there are many parts of autumn that I absolutely love-- acorn squash, baked apple goodies, Thanksgiving, the aforementioned colorful trees. But, to me, autumn is simply the harbinger of long, cold, dark days to come during the winter months. Perhaps this is an indication of which "season of life" I will someday struggle with most. Hopefully by then I will be spiritually mature enough that it won't bother me as much as it does today.

Strangely enough, the past few weeks-- even though the leaves changing and falling and cooling temperatures indicate otherwise-- I have been convinced it feels like spring outside. I smell it on the breeze, I feel it in the air. It is decidedly odd to hold one truth in one's mind while the rest of the body remains firmly convinced otherwise. Perhaps my subconscious knows of "new beginnings" on the horizon that are still just out of my eyesight. Maybe that is why I keep feeling springtime around me. I can hope it is so, but only time will tell.

it's been awhile.....

....since I posted here. So sorry for the absence. I could make excuses like "summer happened" or "life intervened" but the truth is that I just simply stalled out on the journey. Picture me plopping down in the middle of the road and just sitting there for a few months-- because that's really how I felt about it. Perhaps through erosion I might have moved a few inches, but it certainly didn't feel like I was actively participating in the journey for that time. Although I do know, from past life experience, that sometimes when we feel stuck in place-- amazing things are moving all around us, and life becomes a swirling chaos of unseen activity. Sometimes we simply can't see how all the pieces fall into place until we get a few miles down the road and look back to see where we've been. My fingers are crossed that this turns out to be one of those times in my life.

I wish I could say that I'm completely back on track and engaged in the journey again, but it doesn't quite feel that way yet. I have a great desire to move forward, move on, get going--- but I don't feel like I'm moving just yet. Perhaps life, the universe, God, intends for me to remain here a bit longer. Perhaps there is a lesson I need to learn before I can progress to the next leg of the journey. Perhaps. Waiting is not my strong suit. Patience is not one of my virtues. I am more of the "ok, let's *do* something" kind of woman. I become restless and antsy when I'm required to wait. And maybe that's exactly why I'm being forced (because it does feel forced) to wait at this point in my life. Maybe the lesson for me at this point in the journey is patience, waiting, stillness. I feel like I've been in this waiting pattern for over a year. Maybe I just haven't learned the lesson yet....

The trouble with waiting is that it appears outwardly like you're not doing anything. And we're taught that we should always be doing something, anything. I see 2 things wrong with that. One-- why am I concerned with others' perceptions of my outward appearance? (We could argue about whether or not I should be concerned, but that's a post for another day.) Two-- why can't we do nothing? Why does every minute need to be occupied? My home office is located on the 2nd floor of our house. The view from my one window is of the mountain about half a mile away. Our street and neighborhood is very quiet, not much traffic or noisy neighbors nearby. In spring and fall I like to leave the window open so the breeze can blow in. I have beautiful white sheer curtains on the window, and on breezy days they billow out gently into the room. I can see the Japanese maple tree in our front yard, and I'm fascinated by its leaves-- the subtle purple/green in spring and red/purple in fall. Some days I could sit here in my office and stare out the window for long periods of time and not *do* anything at all except watch what goes on outside my window. Some people might consider it a complete waste of time. Daydreaming? Slacking? Laziness? Some might consider it a form of light meditation, or at the very least an exercise in expanding environmental awareness.

Perhaps I need to spend more time staring out my office window, practicing my patience.

Beginnings and Endings

I am privileged to be the mother to a wonderful and exquisite daughter. And today is the last day of school until August. For her it means the beginning of the long-awaited summer vacation, full of educational day camps and mornings swimming in her grandparent's pool and afternoon playdates with friends and her cousins. For me it means the end of quiet mornings that allow me to work and have some "me" time. Beginnings and endings.... It's the continuous cycle of life, it's how it goes, it's just what happens. To quote a mid-90's pop song, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." It's true. The end of the school year = the beginning of summer vacation = the end of summer vacation = the beginning of a new school year, and it goes on and on.

The emotions that go along with dovetailing beginnings and endings can be confusing sometimes. Sadness or grief is often felt when endings occur, and yet beginnings are frequently heralded with excitement and anticipation. How do we reconcile the two? Or do we? Many people find it difficult to hold two seemingly contradictory concepts at the same time. I believe we can be sad when we come to the end of one road and, at the same time, excited about the new path we're taking. Simply because they're "opposite" emotions doesn't mean they can't coexist within us simultaneously. We can honor both, and in turn make the journey richer and more meaningful.

Greetings!

I created this blog with the intent of chronicling my journey through what most would consider an average life. Perhaps it is. Perhaps it's something more. Only time will tell. And although I firmly believe that each individual has a unique life, filled with people and places and thoughts and experiences special only to them--- I also believe our lives all share some commonalities. At one time or another we all experience heartbreak, loss, joy, love, longing, expectation, hurt, hope, and so much more. It is not unique to the human existence to experience those emotions, but what is unique is each individual's experience of them. What I feel as longing may be different from what my sister or best friend experiences as longing.

So why bother sharing my life's experiences if no one else can possibly know exactly how I feel or what I go through? Because perhaps someone reading this may find some worth in sharing a similar road with me. Maybe I will have, or have had, an experience much like one you're having-- and we can share in what we learn from it. And sometimes it just helps to know that we're not all alone in this journey. Paths cross, converge, merge, and part again. What do we learn from it? Do we learn from it? Can we learn from it? Whatever your answer, feel free to come along for my journey. I hope you can learn something because I know I have.